Know Your Enemy: Humiliation in Action
I can’t believe I blocked this out, as I had intended to write about this social experiment earlier. It is directly connected to my previous post on fighting back against men using humiliation and shame as effective tools. Thanks to some email correspondence with another blogger (you know who you are 🙂 ), my memory was jogged, and here is an unplanned part two of that post.
My father was a clinical psychologist and sex therapist, and as I later became aware and able to articulate, a misogynist dickface. He knew little about child or female psychology despite having studied and treated both populations, but he sure as fuck knew something about male psychology. Perhaps not on an insightful level that might have been put to widespread good use for womankind, but it came in handy for me one day when I found myself in yet another physically abusive situation at the hands of a male. This time, I was in the 11th grade (for non-Canadians, this would be age 16).
The physical, sexual and psychological abuse of girls starts at birth and only gets worse as you get older and as boys grow comfortably into their socially-rewarded natural proclivity for the sado-sexual abuse of females.
No stranger to sucker punches to the gut and crotch, sexual assault, being surrounded and kicked and humiliated and chased and stalked by boys from the age of 5 – yanno, when formal schooling starts – I found myself in Grade 11 with a new admirer.
Let’s call him Shitlord. I can’t remember his real name, and this one is better suited to him anyhow.
A couple of times a week, I had Spanish class, following which, like all students, I would exit the classroom to move on to another room for another class. Nothing unusual about that. But at some point early in the semester, exiting that classroom became something to dread. You see, a boy – a classmate of my sister’s actually – had class in the same room right after I did. I didn’t know Shitlord, but for some reason, he knew me. And he took it upon himself to show up early, position himself just outside the door to the classroom out of view, and to trip me as I exited so that I fell flat on my face. He found it enjoyable. I didn’t.
Now, I wasn’t large and I wasn’t small. But I was strong for a girl. At the age of 16, my father took sick pleasure in pitting me against his 30-something-year-old male friends in arm wrestling matches. Most times, I nearly won. It was amusement for the men-folk. But despite this acknowledged strength, I wasn’t a naturally violent or aggressive person. And the indoctrination of females can render their physical strength useless, much of the time. I was horribly shy, depressed and anxious, and as a female from a hardcore emotionally abusive household, rather terrified of standing up for myself and rather confused about what normal behaviour towards girls was actually supposed to look like. I usually accepted emotional and psychological and sometimes sexual abuse, since that was ‘normal’ for me, but I was pretty sure what physical abuse was. And I didn’t fucking like it. And I hated being humiliated in public as well. Ending up sprawled on the floor with everyone laughing at you is humiliating.
So one day, my suppressed rage was unleashed. I leaped to my feat and took this boy by the front of his shirt and slammed him up against the bank of lockers with some choice language and cocked my fist. It was easy to do and I probably could have beat the shit out of him, to be honest. He wasn’t a huge boy. It was doable. But he laughed at me. It was in public, and I was just a girl. Boys aren’t physically afraid of girls usually. I desisted somehow realizing that while it might be satisfying to physically dominate Shitlord, it probably wouldn’t end well for me.
So uncharacteristically, I approached the father figure for some advice. I knew that I’d need another tactic, if there were indeed other tactics available. And at 16, I knew I might be able to get some help from a master manipulator. And oh boy, I knew what a mind-fucker a psychologist could be.
Dr. Dad listened to the problem and suggested the following. “You need to embarrass him. This guy is a bully. He is insecure. Beating him up won’t do anything. Find a way to embarrass him in front of his friends.”
So I thought about it. And an opportunity came up the following week. We had two lunch periods at my school, and I discovered that Shitlord had P.E. class during my lunch on one of the days. I had been eating my brown bag lunch outside with a friend and we were sitting on the bleachers of the football/soccer field. And out pranced Shitlord’s male gym class. They were learning to toss footballs. I saw my chance. I called out, “Shitlord!!! Hi!!! Hello honey!!! I love youuuuu!!! You are so sexy!!! I love watching you!!! Throw the football more!!!! So hot!!!” I made kissy faces and gestures. Over the top. All the guys started laughing at Shitlord. He looked pee-in-his-pants uncomfortable. And my girlfriend and I laughed and waved for the entire class period making sure Shitlord was self-conscious and uncomfortable the whole time.
And that stupid, violent piece of shit never bothered me again. In fact, I never again saw him waiting outside my classroom as I exited after that.
The moral of the story is that you have to know your enemy. You have to study them to find out what will work against them. It ain’t one-size-fits-all. Find their weaknesses. For most, avoidance is the best thing to try first, although we are frequently forced to interact with them. So to stop them, study them. For some, you do have to be violent in response to them. For others, you have to engage in serious mind-fuckery. Some will respond nicely to you using their own tactics against them. And for some, like simpleton bullies such as Shitlord, some basic public humiliation will do the trick nicely. There is always a weakness.
Keep in mind that all men have power over you as a woman. You are at an automatic disadvantage on many levels when your opponent is male, and you are at even more of a disadvantage if the male can rely upon some ‘oppression’ status (race, low SES, trannie/M2T, etc) to use an excuse for hurting you or blind authorities and the public to the most important thing: male abuse of female. Some male enemies are formidable due to other power advantages such as money or political clout, a history of violence which lends them confidence and cockiness, or mental health status (psychopaths are fucking dangerous). Always have back up if you engage in direct interaction. Document everything they do to you. Try to establish witnesses. Keep a paper and/or video and/or audio trail of everything they do to you and any interaction you have with them. Be careful about initiating anything that could be construed as an unprovoked attack even if you are setting up a trap to catch them in their abuse. For most average non-psychopathic/non-narcissistic dudes, shame and humiliation are the most effective defense strategies you have against them. My father would likely say the same thing if you asked him. You usually won’t stop a dude physically without a weapon, and you can make your own decision about whether that is an option for you… In violent situations, which is unfortunately what so many women are forced to deal with, always go to the police, even it if is only to document incidents. The police are generally not friends to women, and often dismiss what women have to say, but it may help in establishing a credible pattern of abuse. But I refuse to accept what all women are told: that’s life, life is unfair, you just have to accept it and be positive.
I have had a little bit of success with non-psychopathic men in situations that are not physically dangerous. In this case, it is about reprogramming the programmed female response to males (submission) and sometimes using male psychological and conversation tactics against men:
- Stopping misogynist conversation bullying by using male derail tactics
- How to avoid being sucked into an abusive online convo with a male ‘feminist’
- Ignoring narcissists: stopping abuse and energy-suckage before it starts
Margaret Atwood said with great insight that men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are also afraid of this, but humiliation and shame absolutely pale in comparison to all the other things we fear from them because of male inborn and socialized sadism. Men live free and clear, with no real threat from women. But, from a young age, girls learn from repeat experience that they need to fear men for rape, sexual assault, stalking, beatings, torture, disease, pregnancy, permanent injury, and loss of life.
Also note that as a female, it is not your job to ‘fix’ men and boys or to try to figure out why the dumb shits do what they do to women and girls. It is your job to take care of yourself the best way you can and by using whatever means necessary to fend off male abuse. If humiliating abusive males seems ‘unfair’ to you, ask yourself who started it it all in the first place (answer: men) and whether putting females into horrible situations is fair.
Male offense = crime, oppression.
Female defense = completely justified, necessary for health and survival.
Posted on April 13, 2016, in Feminism, Human Rights, Male Privilege, Violence and tagged crime, humiliation, misogyny, oppression, patriarchy, psychology, radical feminism. Bookmark the permalink. Comments Off on Know Your Enemy: Humiliation in Action.