My Own Personal Arab Muslim Rapist

[This post is part of both the Conversations with Men series and the White Girl series.]

I’m going to relate a true story for the first time ever. I’ve never been able to talk about it before, never told a soul. Partly, I find it humiliating, embarrassing. Like a proper female indoctrinated by society, the event always felt like a reflection of my intelligence and was somehow my fault. And like a proper, reviled white woman, for a long time I internalized all the hate and guilt that the world – men and women of all colours – heaped (and continues to heap) upon us. Everything is our fault. We deserve anything and everything that happens to us at the hands of all men. We must atone for the sins of white men – guilt by association of colour. All that shit. None of which is true. White women are more openly hated than any other group on the planet. And no hate of any group is more tolerated and encouraged than that of white women. White men love it and encourage it because it takes the true focus off of themselves.

I’ve had enough.

I’ve finally gathered the courage through this blogging endeavour and through the courageous blogging of Radical Witch, to speak out about, to speak truth about Muslim and other privileged ‘oppressed’ men. When they lash out at us, we are supposed to stay silent and pretend that they haven’t committed a hate crime. We are supposed to support their hate, find excuses for it, and accommodate it even if means we die in the process. I think white women need to begin telling their truths in much the same way that the victims of rapey Catholic priests did not that long ago. The Catholic priests were untouchable, coddled, explained away for so long. Not any more. And I think the same thing needs to happen to Muslim men, men of colour, and other religious men who act out their privilege through rape, harassment, beatings, threats, intimidation, and killings of women. Human garbage, every last one.

I wrote earlier about the black dude here in China who pretended to be friendly and an intellectual and then stalked me for the purpose of raping a white woman. I also wrote about the group of Arab Muslim men who tried to kill me in a public place when I was 24 and travelling alone in Belgium. Oh hell, just see my Conversations with Men series or the White Girl series. These aren’t fucking thought experiments. They aren’t made up fantasies with nefarious agendas. These are real experiences that happened to a real person. Me. I’m a truth-teller. I am a supporter of women’s right to safety. And people will hate me for being a woman, being white and telling the truth. And I say fuck every last one of you if you choose to support violent men over me. I’ve never beaten or raped a person in my life. I’ve done nothing to warrant punishment or retribution. I’ve existed – that is my crime. And now I’m speaking. An even worse crime.

So, thank you, Radical Witch. I’m joining you. I will bet money that there are thousands and thousands of white women who stay silent and confused about and rationalize away crimes done to them by men who are supposedly more victimized than they are. As I always say, penis trumps vagina always, regardless of colour. Woman-hate is the most basic of hatreds and all other hatreds stem from it and are started and perpetuated by men.


Rewind to 2007: I was a graduate student living in a French part of Canada. I was living bisexually despite hating the label and strongly suspecting that I wasn’t all that hetero to begin with. I’d recently been dumped by an American man whom I’d known a long time and who, after freaking out about possibly getting me pregnant and then realizing I wasn’t, just decided that he didn’t want to deal anymore. Ditched me without explanation, even though I knew what was going on. It was a kick in the teeth to be treated as a problem in that way, and although the dumping was a good thing in the long run, I didn’t take it well at the time. I threw myself into school and a part-time job and running a few student organizations. My physical and mental health declined.

And it is when you are severely overburdened in this way that you are very vulnerable. Your judgment becomes impaired. Women make their worst decisions when they are under duress. And it is the absolute worst possible time to enter into another entanglement – especially with a male. And oh jeez, especially with someone from a traditional culture.

It was meant to be a dalliance, and an opportunity to practise my French with someone who couldn’t speak English (hard to find in bilingual Canada unless you delve into the immigrant communities). I met a dude by accident. He was an illegal immigrant from Algeria, an Arab and a Muslim. Trouble, yes? Remember that a group of them had tried to kill me about 10 years previously. But when you’re emotionally vulnerable, you don’t always make the best decisions. I was lonely, overworked, depressed, and still had a confused sex drive. A recipe for trouble.

And it was a horrible ‘relationship’. Didn’t spend a lot of time together, but it was constant fighting, which I suppose was good practice for my French – they don’t teach you to argue in French class. He was ignorant and very, very stupid. Occasionally kind. The worst ones always are, all the better to fuck with your mind. And while not at first, later on once my threats to leave never really panned out, disrespectful. I discovered he was an alcoholic, and a porn addict, which fed into the disrespect. He liked white woman porn, and it became very clear that I was just another piece of shit, white woman porn star in his mind. Once the disrespect started, I was on my way out. I may find myself in bad situations, but once it gets bad, I’m out of there. I don’t tolerate long-term, serious abuse that crosses a line I have drawn in my mind.

But there was one last thing I did for him. I took him out for his birthday. Kind of a good-bye type of thing – at least for me. He was disrespectful of my kindness, got drunk, we had a fight and I went to my apartment alone. Shortly after, he knocked at my door and I made the mistake of opening it. He demanded sex. I said no. And he raped me violently in my own bed. After I cried the whole way through the half-hour ordeal (normally, he took about 45 seconds with me), he told me that it was good for me to cry (sound like a porn script to you?) I told him to leave, which luckily he did. And I never spoke to him again. He harassed me continually, and tried to get into my building. Fortunately, the building manager was hyper-vigilant in general and nothing and no one got past her. Ever. I was lucky. He eventually gave up.

I also didn’t go the police. Nor did I ever tell anyone about it.

It’s not that I expected to hear “Well, what the fuck did you expect? He’s an Arab and a Muslim. They hate women and they’re rapists. They especially hate white, Western women. Duh!” No, I didn’t expect to be treated like I was stupid in that way. I knew most people supported the poor, goddamned Muslims. Besides, I was berating myself quite well on my own for continuing to pretend I was interested in men despite long-term disgust for them, and knowing that they are all potential rapists and all have misogyny running through their veins. No. Rather, what I knew I’d hear is a fuck load of excuses and rationalizations, disbelief or downplay, and perhaps accusations of me being racist and an uppity bitch or a liar. “Well, he must have been mentally ill. Well, he must have been too drunk. Well, he must have misunderstood you – after all you were dating. And what are you trying to say – he is a minority in our country. He is an illegal immigrant. He is oppressed! And you are a privileged white woman.” That’s what I expected to hear, so I didn’t tell a soul. I didn’t report it to the police. They would have believed him over me, especially since he didn’t cut me or break my bones and especially because the French Canadians hate the anglo-Canadians. He spoke French like a native speaker, and I sounded like a second-language speaker. And the French parts of Canada are becoming as pro-Muslim as Europe is. And many from the French-speaking Muslim countries (especially Algeria and Morocco) are flocking there and chipping away at the few rights that Canadian women have under the guise of ‘cultural sensitivity’. And the assaults increase and are brushed under the carpet.

I’ve learned my lesson with regard to Muslims and Arabs (although Muslims come in different models – I have lovely stories about the Chinese Muslim men where I live now.) I stay the fuck away from them. There are tons of Arabs where I live and I tense up every time I encounter them. I should have known better after that first attempted murder years ago, but dammit if white women are bullied into accepting abuse from every man on the planet, especially if he is non-white.

I’m done with simpering and signing my rights (like I have any) away. These assholes need to be held accountable for what they say and do – especially when they are welcomed and accommodated in more *advanced* (ha, like men anywhere are advanced) countries where women are allowed to go out by themselves to buy groceries (although sexual harassment and intimidation is still allowed everywhere in the world). But no one has the stones or the ovaries to stand up to them. And until we do collectively, shit is going to get worse for women.


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Posted on January 10, 2016, in Conversations with Men, Feminism, Human Rights, Male Privilege, Religion, Violence, White Women and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Comments Off on My Own Personal Arab Muslim Rapist.

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